Things they don’t tell you about nippers #1

There are many many books out there about being pregnant and the early weeks, months and years of having a baby. But there is one thing that none of these learned tomes mention.

Babies have incredibly sharp finger nails.

There, I’ve said it and broken the one remaining unspoken rule of parenting.

You’ll put your little one to bed (without scratch mittens) and in the morning your baby will look like an extra from a Western- they’ll have a huge scratch across their face, which if they’re a boy will make them look rugged but if they’re a girl will be unfortunate.

M’laddo still has razor sharp fingernails that somehow manage to be flexible at the same time, thus defying most attempts at using the nail scissors on him, whilst still retaining maximum maiming capabilities.

“Oh my God, I think he’s ripped you a third nostril!” are words I’ll never forget hearing as the blood gushed out of my nose. Moments earlier M’laddo had been doing that exceedingly cute thing that six month olds do of grabbing at my nose with his little hands. Unfortunately on this occasion, he kept his fist clenched, shoved his hand up my nose and then opened it, raking most of the inside of my nose out.

I’ve broken my arm, my ankle (and ruptured ligaments at the same time), burnt my kneecap on a korean barbecue pit and knocked myself out a couple of times but there’s precious little I can remember that hurt more than the wee fella attempting to turn my nose inside out.

But its this sort of thing that they never tell you in a book. They might mention in passing that you might want to use scratch mitts to stop the baby hurting itself but the truth is a lot more scary.

You have been warned- by a chap with a heavily scarred nose!