One thing I never thought I’d hear

Having children has opened me up to a wide number of experiences I never thought I’d have but sometimes I just sit there scratching my head wondering what the dickens is going on. Like this morning for example. The boy has an upset tummy which has lead to a runny bottom. There were something like 9 visits to the toilet and a lot of mopping up last night. Unpleasant stuff.

So just as I was about to go to work this morning, I thought I misheard the following: “Alex, the boy has gone on strike on the toilet and I need you to sort him out.” Well it turned out I hadn’t misheard it at all. Unfortunately. Given the extreme runny-ness of his bottom, school, as Alice Cooper once sang, was out for the day but the wildcat strike action had been caused by his play date being cancelled too.

The bathroom is almost finished now, we just need the new flooring down and a bit of grouting done, and it was uncomfortable to say the least kneeling on the bare floorboards as I was told that he was going to stay on the toilet forever if he couldn’t have his play date and was forced to wear a nappy (neither of us fancied mopping up or scraping out underwear if he didn’t make it to the loo in time). As far as ultimatums go, it was a big one. I tried to engage him in the practicalities of it- there isn’t a television in the bathroom so he wouldn’t be able to watch films, and what about sleeping? but he was fairly adamant about it all.

As I sat next to the boy, who seemed to be attempting some sort of world pouting record, I tried to explain that if Tony was his friend, he wouldn’t want Tony to get a runny bottom would he? I could see that the answer was no, he is a good caring boy after all, but he didn’t want to admit it so wished runny bottoms on the rest of us. The stand off continued for a while but eventually I managed to coax him off the toilet, wash his hands, put him in a pair of pull-ups and deposit him back in his bedroom.

Then I did the most sensible thing possible, I fled to work. Haven’t summoned up the courage to see how it’s all going yet, but I fear the worst…