Warning: may contain references to sex toys (it actually does contain reference to sex toys)

*requires clitoris

I popped into Boots the Chemist today to purchase some cradle cap shampoo and a bottle of calamine lotion. The two are mostly unrelated, aside from both being for Danger. He’s got a stinky head that normal top to toe baby wash wont shift and I find it off putting smelling it whilst cuddling him. The calamine lotion is for the potential for chicken pox*. It took a while to find the calamine because it turned out to be behind the counter, in that arbitrary way that things in Boots are. It did mean I toured the shelves, looking at the extensive array of pile creams, multivitamins, watered down mumbo-jumbo** and for some reason, the prominent display of purple Durex sex toys. One of them, in the picture, promised me it was designed specifically for intense clitoral stimulation. And it was only £34.99.

I felt aggrieved, partly because I don’t have a clitoris to benefit from the specific design of the device, that I could have no doubt got reward points on purchasing, but mostly because it seemed a bit unnecessary in the middle of a family chemist. Contraceptives have always had their place in chemists and heaven knows I’m no prude but I can’t help think whatever next? Am I going to get a voucher with my next meal deal offering me money off a wide range of dildos? Perhaps a 3 for 2 on anal love beads? You might notice the display is rather optimistically headed “Sexual wellbeing”. I’m sure having your clitoris intensely stimulated by a device specifically designed for that purpose is jolly pleasant but aside from the endorphin rush, is it really a health product? There’s a line and I think Boots with this point of sale display have overstepped it.

Parents constantly harp on about the loss of innocence for our children and I can’t help but think this is another step in that direction. Sell them by all means, but lets not have a large display one isle over from the children’s vitamins that will no doubt get some parents flustered when their kids ask some very awkward questions…

*apparently the sibling of someone in the boys class has chicken pox. That’s all the school are willing to divulge other than confirmation that the sibling in the boys class hasn’t had it yet so could be a vector of a disease that can be quite serious in little babies. The parent is quite content to let mums with tiny babies come in and do reading without revealing who the child that might be the harbinger of disease is. Parents at our school are good like that.

**aka homoeopathic medicine.