10 things you shouldn’t do as a dad

stay on target….

Disclaimer: These 10 things you shouldn’t do as a dad are collected anecdotally from many people, if I practised all of them myself, wifey would be well within her rights to murder me noisily in my sleep (and trust me, slow even breathing wouldn’t save me then). So without further ado, on with the list…

  1. practice slow, even breathing so you can pretend to be sound asleep when your youngest wakes you up in the middle of the night;
  2. get sidetracked*. Do what you’re supposed to do immediately or you’ll forget;
  3. burst out laughing when your 3 year old tells you under no circumstances should you say “shit” because it’s a naughty word;
  4. forget to brush the kids teeth because you can’t find their toothbrushes. They must be somewhere, right?
  5. do the “look behind you!” gag, and then run from the room whenever a child asks an awkward question;
  6. defer every dispute with the ill thought out “ask your mother”;
  7. offer to do all the mundane tasks that take you out of the house. There’s a reason your wife wants to go to the dump at 5pm on a Sunday and it has more to do with 3 screaming kids hanging off her ankles than a chopped up tree that needs disposing of;
  8. assume you can empathise. There are some things that even the most metrosexual new man can’t empathise over. Don’t try;
  9. eat the chocolate that was hidden at the back of the fridge, behind the year old jar of mustard, under a packet of grated cheese. It’s not fair game, it’s emergency chocolate;
  10. fail to tidy up after you. Do you really think that a day clearing up after kids is just the warm up for picking up your crap? Really?
And there you go, avoid doing all ten of those and you’re on the way from misery to happiness (uhuh!).
*so no reading up on Ghana Witch Camps, writing to the Swiss Ambassador or general titting about on the internet before you’ve done the important stuff.