3 steps to convincing your children you’re epic

Too often we amble through life being adults, dealing with general stuff as an adult would, and dealing with our kids in a similar fashion. We think of kids as small people who are i) immature, ii) in need of our vast knowledge and experience and iii) often an obstacle for us doing what we damn well want.

This is grossly unfair on kids, who should be better thought of as people who haven’t yet forgotten what it’s like to have uninhibited FUN.

It’s easy to make things fun for your kids, and have some fun yourself as well though.

Step One- use the epic voiceover man voice

Aaah- voiceover man. You may know him from such movie trailers as Con Air or Men In Black, and Terminator 2. He can be found saying “It was a time of legends” in an incredibly epic manner. You can mimic this voice to convey ordinary tasks to your children.

“And lo! T’was time for yonder child to take a bath!”


The more you practice, the better you’ll get. I use it on charity muggers up the town all the time, uttering “Get thee behind me foul chugger!

For proper comedy effect, the voice should contrast the mundanity of what you’re saying starkly. I find it helps to pitch it half way between voiceover man and Matt Berry’s Douglas Reynholm from the IT Crowd if that helps.

Step Two- give everybody a cool name

While we obviously gave our kids awesome names, that was in the context of what we could call children. We could have been more awesome. To this end when I get over-excited, I call the boy “Lord of the Multiple Cheesecakes” (based on his love of eating lots of pudding), I call Ned “The Doom of all Mankind” (on account of his endless violence towards me), and Fifi “Princess Sparkly Pony Girl” (because it suits her). I make sure it’s all done in the Matt Berry/Voiceover Man voice mentioned in part one.

For example:

Bring forth the Lord of the Multiple Cheesecakes so my wroth at the diminishment of the cake tin can be fully sated.

Now you have to admit that the above is a hell of a lot more epic than, “Oi, which one of you toe rags has scoffed all the banana cake AGAIN?”

Step Three- stay in character past the point where any sane adult would give up

This is key and I can’t emphasis how important it actually is. Kids are well known for carrying on a joke past the point it is funny, working on the principle that if somebody laughed the first five times they jumped on them and shoved their bottom in the persons face, HOW MUCH FUNNIER WOULD THE 38 TIME BE??? Keep in character. Do bed time stories in voiceover man voice, tuck them in and say good night in the same fashion. Go to the toilet and provide a running commentary at the top of your lungs. Your kids will love you for it, just don’t forget to take regular drinks as it can be quite difficult on the vocal chords…


There you go then, a short course on how to prove eternal epicness to your kids. You can thank me now because this is a 100% sure-fire way to prove to your offspring that you’re epic.